Stephen Wright Quotes

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.


I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.