"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Monday, May 02, 2005
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Stephen Wright Quotes
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Insanitize Me
In a mad world only the mad are sane.
- Akira Kurosawa
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs it is the rule.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signifigant intelligence.
- Henrik Tikkanen
There is no great genius without a touch of madness.
- Seneca
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
- Salvador Dali
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they have always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson
- Akira Kurosawa
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs it is the rule.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signifigant intelligence.
- Henrik Tikkanen
There is no great genius without a touch of madness.
- Seneca
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
- Salvador Dali
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they have always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson
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